woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You need a sexual gate keeper
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
