mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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