on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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