I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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