If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
