come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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