He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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