I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
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So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
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She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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