I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
