i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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