my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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