Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
