you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
