Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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