I wish life had little blips of pornography
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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