Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
