woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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