Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
