what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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