I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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