god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
