Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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