I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
