if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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