Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
