Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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