I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
