I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
