I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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