she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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