i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
