i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
