I met the friendliest cop last night
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
