Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
