Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
