He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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