I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
