I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
