But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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