You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
