I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
