Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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