Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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