he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
