im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
