I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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