He disabled his match.com account in front of me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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