If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
