Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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