So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
