I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
