he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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