So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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