the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
