It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
