All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
