bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It's never too late to be topless.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
